Helped, Heard, or Hugged? Understanding the true intentions behind what somebody needs when they express themselves
Learn how to recognize whether someone wants help, to be heard, or to receive emotional support when they post online, and respond in a way that fosters empathy and connection.
Hi friends,
Did you know that most people don’t actually want to be helped when they share their thoughts online? It might sound surprising, but simply acknowledging someone’s feelings can often be more supportive than offering unsolicited advice. Scrolling through your social media feed, you might find that a simple “that sucks” can be more comforting than an attempt to fix their problem.
In the digital age, social media has become a virtual town square where we share our victories, struggles, and day-to-day experiences. As an author and entrepreneur, I frequently post insights from my professional journey and personal reflections. These posts are intended to share my story, not to solicit advice. Yet, well-meaning followers often flood the comments with suggestions, missing the mark on what I actually need.
This isn’t unique to me, either. I see it all the time where the intention behind somebody’s post is misunderstood.
They might be looking for validation, empathy, or just a space to vent, but instead, they receive advice that can feel intrusive or unhelpful. This mismatch can lead to frustration, arguments, and even strained relationships online.
Understanding the true intention behind a post is crucial for fostering more meaningful and supportive online interactions. People generally post online for three primary reasons: to be helped, to be heard, or to be hugged, a concept originally articulated by Jancee Dunn in a The New York Times article titled “When Someone You Love Is Upset, Ask This One Question”. Each of these needs requires a different type of response, and recognizing which one is appropriate can transform how we communicate and connect with others.
This article explores these three functions in depth, offering insights into how to identify them and respond appropriately. By understanding whether someone wants to be helped, heard, or hugged, we can create a more empathetic and supportive online community.
Helped, Heard, or Hugged: Understanding the Three Functions
Helped: Some people genuinely seek assistance when they post online. These individuals usually include a clear question in their post, signaling their desire for advice or solutions. For example, they might ask, “Does anyone know how to fix this issue?” or “What should I do in this situation?” Responding with helpful advice is appropriate and appreciated in these scenarios.
Heard: Many people post simply to express their thoughts and feelings. They don’t necessarily want solutions; they just want someone to listen and acknowledge their experience. In fact, most online arguments stem from well-meaning individuals trying to help when the original poster (OP) just wants to be heard. Posts seeking to be heard often recount specific experiences and are more detailed, emphasizing the poster's perspective and emotions.
Hugged: Sometimes, people just need emotional support after a rough day. They’re looking for empathy and connection, not practical advice. Posts seeking hugs tend to be more emotionally charged and direct about the need for comfort. These posts might express raw emotions such as sadness, frustration, or exhaustion and include phrases like, “I’m feeling really down” or “I just need some support right now.”
Recognizing the Signals
Recognizing these signals can help you respond more appropriately to posts. Here’s how to identify what someone might need:
Help Seekers: Look for posts with direct questions or requests for advice. These individuals clearly state their need for assistance. Phrases like “Can someone help me with…?” or “Does anyone have advice on…?” are strong indicators that the person is looking for solutions and practical help.
People Who Want to Be Heard: These posts are more narrative, sharing detailed experiences or feelings without asking for help. They often recount specific events or emotions and can include phrases like “I need to get this off my chest” or “I just want to share my story.” The focus is on expressing their perspective and having someone acknowledge their feelings.
People Seeking Hugs: These posts are more emotionally charged and focus on expressing raw emotions. They often include direct statements about their emotional state and a need for comfort, such as “I’m feeling really down” or “I just need some support right now.” The emphasis is on receiving empathy and emotional validation rather than recounting detailed experiences.
As an author and entrepreneur, I often share insights and experiences online. These posts are meant to convey what I've learned and to express my thoughts, not to solicit advice. However, well-meaning followers frequently offer solutions, which can lead to misunderstandings and frustration.
I’ve realized that many of these negative interactions stem from a mismatch between what I intend and what the readers perceive.
For instance, I once posted about a challenging decision I faced in my business. Instead of receiving the understanding and camaraderie I sought, I was inundated with advice on how to handle it. This added to my frustration because I didn’t feel heard. Another time, I shared a personal story about the ups and downs of writing a book. Rather than offering advice, a reader simply commented, “I appreciate your honesty,” which felt validating and supportive.
Practical Tips and Strategies
Here are some practical tips for implementing this approach:
For Help Seekers: When you see a post with a question or request for advice, offer your suggestions thoughtfully and considerately. Ensure your response is relevant and helpful. For example, “Have you tried doing X? It worked for me in a similar situation.”
For People Who Want to Be Heard: Practice active listening. Respond with phrases like “I hear you” or “That sounds tough” to validate their feelings without offering solutions. For example, “I understand why you’re upset. That situation sounds really frustrating.”
For People Seeking Hugs: Provide emotional support by offering kind words and empathy. Simple phrases like “I’m here for you” or “Sending you virtual hugs” can be very comforting. For example, “I’m sorry you’re going through this. I’m here if you need to talk.”
Final Thought
Next time you come across a post online, pause for a moment and consider what the poster might be seeking. Are they asking for help, looking to be heard, or in need of a virtual hug? Responding in a way that meets their needs can lead to more meaningful and supportive interactions.
One common misunderstanding is assuming everyone wants advice when they post about a problem. This can lead to frustration and conflict. To avoid this, take a moment to consider what the poster might need. If in doubt, ask them directly, “Do you want advice, or do you just need to vent?”
It's important to recognize that people’s needs can vary based on their personality, culture, or situation. What works for one person might not work for another. Being sensitive and adaptable in your responses can help you provide the most appropriate support.
I encourage you to practice this approach in your daily interactions. By adopting this mindset, we can foster a more understanding and empathetic online community. Remember, sometimes the most helpful thing you can do is simply listen and acknowledge their feelings.
This was adapted from a post I made a few days ago. If you’d like to see how I ideate on this kind of thing, here’s the original.
What do you think?
Do you see this in your own experience?
Is your intention often misunderstood?
Am I totally off base?
Let me know in the comments.
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